Vito Van

Jack's Ass


Jack is my friend, he had hemorrhoids.

Hemorrhoid is one of the experiences which could be legitimately called: "the pain in the ass". Something grows in the ass and causes pain.


One day in a coffee shop, Jack and I were chattering.

I said: "Damn! Lisp is so cool! I wish I could have known it earlier!"

Then Jack said: "Is it cool enough to solve my ass problem?"

That was a medical problem, and I ain't no medic. Although I deeply know that Lisp is cool enough to solve it, I choose to hold my impulse and asked:

"What did your doctor say?"

"He said this is not curable by any known medicine. Once it is there, it is there. The only way to solve this problem is to cut it out. I said no."


"And I'm in pain! I can't sit for too long, otherwise, my ass will blow up."

"Can't you just keep standing?"

"That will hurt my knees! I have tried to set a bunch of timers, but they were a mess."

"OK, that's easy, Lisp can do it, I assure you," I said.

Then Jack paid for the coffee, and I sent him the software to cure his ass by the end of the day. It's just a Pomodoro timer that reminds him to stand up every 25 minutes, written in Lisp with SDL2 and Cairo Graphics.

I also have written a detailed manual to explain how to install the software with SBCL, SDL2, Cairo Graphics, and some other dependencies. Anyone with some basic computer knowledge could manage to install it.


A month later, I met Jack in the same coffee shop.

"How's your ass?" I asked.

"The hemorrhoids were gone."

"See? I told you, Lisp is cool!"

"No, I let the doctor cut my ass."

"Oh, Why's that?"

"I spent a whole day sitting in front of the computer to install SDL2, SDL_Mixer, SDL_Image, Cairo, SBCL, Quicklisp, and many other shits to get your shitty software working. Suddenly, a huge pain came from my ass. When I stood up, blood was all over the chair. Then I called the ambulance."

"No! Uh..."


That night, I couldn't sleep.

Jack's wounded ass is all my fault.

So I decided to never ask non-wizard users to install any dependencies again.

After uncountable days and nights sitting in front of the computer, I made it.

Suddenly, a huge pain came from my ass.


If you have any interest, here is the ass-curing software: Focolizzare.

And here is the framework used to build it: CALM.